focusing on school, work, aark, and my friends. time heals all
No words
I keep laughing at the idiotic actions of myself and at the lesson that I have still yet to fully understand. But I don’t know if I ever will. I didn’t build you up in my head before seeing you. I thought that might help. That if before I saw you I didn’t’ think of how we were, I didn’t think of the things you said to me, I didn’t think of my feelings, or the touch of your skin, or the look in your eyes, or the smile on your face. I ignored all that. And yet some how it didn’t help. I hate that I let it effect me, and I let it win. I saw you my heart melted like it does every time your eyes reach mine. I looked away suddenly as if I were caught doing something I shouldn’t, and I guess I was right. We didn’t say hello, that is always how it is. We both wait and act as if we do not notice each other. You stood right next to me, with your body touching mine as you whispered to me hello. I politely responded back. I talked to your new girlfriend, I spent most of the day with her. How twisted am I? To become friends with the one person who has everything that I want. I like her, I truly do. I just hate knowing that maybe I could be her. You told me you wanted to talk to me, that you wanted to talk to me later. And when I told you no, I needed to know now that I waited three years to long for you. You just looked at me with love and forgiveness, and I gave in. But I tried to remain strong. Do you want me? Do you? That’s all I need to know because if not I’ll walk away. You responded with the same we will talk tomorrow please. I walked away. I walked away from you. But I wish my heart followed. My heart stayed there with you, and I think it always will. I need to learn to move on, without my heart, for it will always be yours and I can no longer fight that. If you wanted me, if you cared for me, you wouldn’t hesitate to tell me so. I misunderstand your actions as a way to make myself believe you want me as much as I want you. I feel pathetic to still be holding on to something that never was. Maybe one day I’ll get my heart back, or find love with someone who deserves it. But until then I’m not sure how to move on.
I had to rewrite a story with a different narrator
This A Story of an Hour by Katie Chopin
It’s one of those days again. The one where I wake up and realize I’m trapped. Not able to go and not able to make my own decisions, no way of creating my own path. Almost as if my whole life is condensed into one small day where I’m unable to be free, free to think for myself, free to be myself. I don’t love him at least not today.
The time for him to leave and head for work, the time I like to call my only taste of freedom, as come. I can roam around the house carefree with no rules, only mine. My thought is interrupted by my sister and my husband’s friend. The look on their faces is alarming, troubled yet sincere. Josephine looked from me to Richard as her eyes began to fill. He nodded in encouragement or agreement, I could not tell until the words were spelled out upon her lips.
“I’m so sorry Louise, I’m so sorry”, she said as she pulled me in tightly. It was as if my body was reacting without me as tears flooded my face as I wept in her arms. I did not ask questions, I didn’t need anymore answers. He was gone, never coming back to me.
“Is there anything you need? Sit down Louise, please, sit down”, with desperation in his voice. I could tell just with his tone that he was in search of something for me, some way of comfort for he too was overwhelmed. I had no desire to move, my feet were planted. My mind was blank, no thoughts were forming. Just emptiness. I knew the reality of the situation, yet nothing was there in my mind.
“I just want to be alone for a while…to clear my thoughts”, I expressed to them as I began to make my way up the steps. Josephine took a step, as if to follow me, and I motioned for her to stop. She hesitated to listen. As I took a step closer and closer to my room the storm of grief was spent. Closed my eyes as I leaned my back against the closed door. Breath after breath, inhale after inhale. I than opened my eyes to be staring into the open window. My body lingered towards the comfortable, roomy armchair I have always loved. I sank deeper and deeper as if my body and soul haunted by physical exhaustion. I gazed at the tops of trees that were all aquiver with the new spring life. The wondrous smell of rain filled the air and traveled through my body. I was soothed by the echoes of sparrows twittering of in the distance.
Brilliant blue skies were peaking through the clouds that looked painted in the window. I sat there restlessly, I had given in to the exhaustion consuming me. A sob came into my throat from the depths of my heart and shook me.
Time hovered, but only for a minute. As I gazed into the blue sky ahead of me. I was not reflecting upon current events or emotions, rather I was beginning to see. Beginning to realize. I was not afraid. I was not sad. I was not, well I wasn’t sure what I was. I began to fill it stronger now, it was creeping into my soul. I was aware of the colors, the scents, the lights, the noise.
It was possessing me, with each breath I took, it took control. I was fighting it, whatever it was, as if I were fighting with my own two hands. I felt it rise within me. As I began to surrender, my lips quivering, as they tried to form words.
“Free, free, free!” I repeated in under my breath. The known of this thing taking control was replaced with certainty. My eyes widened. My heart beat racing. Excitement warming and filling every inch of me.
The thought of seeing him somberly laying there with eyes closed and hands folded in death, and the thought of tears crossed my mind and quickly escaped. These thoughts hovered for a second and not a second longer. For I fast forwarded to the future, the future I now possessed. A future that was open to me, to me entirely. My heart and mind opened their arms to this future widely and embraced like two long lost friends.
A life lived for myself, a possibility I never saw, that I never had. There would be no powerful will bending me in that blind persistence with which men and women believe they have a right to impose a private will upon a fellow creature. My will will be imposed on no one but myself.
Although..I loved him sometimes. But after all what did it matter! How could love matter when compared to liberty of the soul, mind, and body.
“Free! Body and soul free!”, I kept whispering.
“Louise, open the door! I beg; open the door- you will make yourself ill. What are you doing Louise? For heaven’s sake open the door”, begged Josephine from the other end of the door.
“Go away. I will not make ill of myself”, I replied for she did not understand for my mind raced with the days that laid ahead of me now. Days, not just a life that simple blended into one, days open to me for whatever I desire. Yesterday it were only amir thought that I have a taste of freedom. Now, it’s more than just a taste.
I opened the door with triumph in my motions and excitement growing in my eyes. I gave Josephine a look that to me said it all, but a look of confusion took her face as I guided us down the stairs. Richard stood at the bottom faithfully awaiting to lend more comfort.
The door knob jiggled and twisted until the latchkey was unlocked and the door pushed open. It was Bently, my husband looking drained and wherry. I froze. I stared as if he were a moorage and I were lost in the desert. Although he was not my oasis. A cry arose from the pit of my stomach as Richard tried to block him from my view. He was too late.
My mind went blank, my soul drifted, my heart beat for the last time.
I feel like I’m in a nightmare
I just want to wake up. Shake this all over and inhale the reality that none of this is real. I mean how could it be real? No amount of words no amount of sleep is helping. Two nights ago she tried to commit suicide. We were all there. It started out as any normal saturday. With the exception that her mother came to visit. That set her off, but thats typical. I had a weird feeling in my gut and I told Es about it. I ignored it. I hate that I did. We baked her a cake, decorated the room, and had a mini party to celebrate her birthday early. Things were fun, things were carefree. Some how, for some reason things took a turn for the worst. As things spiraled out of control no one intervened. No one thought it would end the way it did. We thought it was one of her normal bitch fits. Picking an argument with everyone, literally everyone in the room for no reason. She wasn’t herself. Scream for no reason, lashing out at anyone who even tried to calm her. We just brushed it off because thats how we usually handle her when she gets in one of her “moods”. But something about this was different, we all could feel it. She pushed Dylans buttons and thats what dipped it over the edge, the right with him. It’s no where near his fault. We all contributed. She contributed. She took those pills. I never felt so scared in my life. Banging on the door praying that she would open the door. When she finally did I saw her laying there. While siting in the hospital those 5 hours felt like years. Waiting, hoping things would be okay, trying to comfort her the best I knew how. Things will never be the same for any of us. I wish it could all go away, but it never will. All we can do is move on past this and fight for a better day. We’re surviving. I love my friends more than anything. And I love and miss her so much
and so it goes
It’s a new semester. Everyone is back. The group was reunited again and at first it felt so good, so normal. Things are still shaky with me and hill. I mean we act as if we are okay, but so much went unspoken last semester. I wish it never went that way, but I need to face the facts. It happened. No looking back, no wishing things could have went differently. No wanting to apologize just to have our friendship back. Because this is normal now. This is how it was meant to be. Everyone was drinking . I too joined in and we celebrated the family we created here at school. And than for some reason, as it always does, this weird wave of came over me. I stopped drinking without even noticing. As I sat there and watched my best friends get trashed, I realized I’m always the one who is sober. I always take that role. The role or responsibility. I hate feeling as if I’m from another century, another time, when this shit wasn’t the norm. A time where fun was just well fun. Nothing needed to alter that perception. I hate feeling disconnected from my peers, my friends. I feel so alone. I guess I’m just hoping that one day, someone will come along who will be there for me, like I am for everyone else. Here’s to a new semester. It shall be interesting
we’re all in such a hurry. a hurry to rush the greatness in each and every little moment in our lives. we want the big bang. the big incredible ending we have dreamed about. we want to reach that goal, reach that happiness. we loose tract of the journey. the moments that truly matter. the seconds the minutes leading up to that moment we desire. like the moment before a kiss. the beating in your heart. the head rush. the lust. the desire. the burning within. quivering at the thought of that touch. thats the best moment, the moment that counts.
cause you’re the one i miss, and it’s driving me crazy
it’s creeping in again. that little stupid evil thought of what if. the hope i have that things could be how i always pictured them, how i always dreamed. that you would be here. that things would be perfect. that you’d be the one to learn every freckle on my skin. the curves of my body. the dimples in my smile. the wrinkles in my nose when i make that face. i dream of nothing but to study the coloration in your eyes. learn your flaws and you learn mine. to be a better person for you. sleep arm in arm in the stairwell. to be by your side. to finally say after all this time we always knew..always knew that that one night mattered, that it lasted. that the connection ran deep inside. the universe plan followed through… i’m so sick of it falling through. i wont give in, no i can’t. not today. today i need to be strong to ignore the thought, to fight you off. at least for another day.
Create yourself
For me my sister has always been my weakness, my soft spot. She’s the one weapon someone would use to get me, to make me given to whatever they desire. Always trying to protect her and ensure her happiness. I can’t help it she’s my sister my best friend my everything. I would give it all for her. She’s one of those people you meet for the first time and you feel as though you were life long friends. So welcoming so smiley so warm. She lights up a room and the best part… she is so unaware of it. People like that are rare. The rare ones who are so extraordinary, so special without knowing it make a difference. They stay grounded and thats exactly her. So down to earth, sweet and caring. Everyone should have the chance to grow up with someone like her. Tonight she broke my heart. She’s struggling just as we all do from time to time. But to see her struggle eats me alive. We discussed many things and she brought up a scene from little women. Where one sister is laying in bed dying from the scarlet fever. But she’s at peace with it and says its okay because her other sisters have goals, hopes and dreams. And she proceeds to list them and says she has none. My sister said that’s how she feels. I had no response. I’m such an awful sister. But I was caught off guard I had no smart witty encouraging words. No words to stop the tears from strolling down her beautiful face. If only I could allow her to see herself the way I view her for a few short minutes or see how strangers see her or how she makes everyone around her feel. Maybe she would have hope again. Hope in herself. Hope in life. Hope in dreams. With the potential to do great things, and boy do I mean it, it kills to see her view herself in such dim lighting. Creative smart intriguing bubbly adorable beautiful . All the qualities for success. Only thing missing is the belief that she can. That she can be whatever she wishes. The ability to dream. I would give up all my hopes and dreams, give every last desire I hold within my heart to her.
